Coming Soon...

13 Favorite Horror Movies

Whilst I nurse the limb-sized suppurating lesion that is my leg, I must distract myself.

Yesterday I watched Ghoulies and realized it's one of my favorite horror movies. Note the word favorite, not best. On an objective level, the movie is really terrible. Yet I love it. It reminds me of a certain time and place in my life and of the great things which occurred in said time and place. That makes the movie awesome for me.

Here's an arbitrary baker's dozen of other favorite (and not necessarily great) horror flicks.

13. The Gate

12. Halloween

11. Pumpkinhead

10. Suspiria

9. Halloween 3: Season of the Witch

8. Hellraiser

7. Ghoulies

6. Barbarella (for the scary dolls alone)

5. The Crawling Eye

4. Twilight Zone: The Movie

3. Zombie

2. Blair Witch

1. Eyes Without a Face

Bishopric

I just like that word.

Not much to report today. My road rash heals slowly. Lymph oozes. Scabs form. Bandages wilt.

This movie looks awesome:

Road Rash and Meat Men

I fell on my bike. Ow.

I should not have been wearing shorts. Right leg from ankle to calf: flayed. I don't particularly like the sight of blood, especially my own. Doc says I don't need a skin graft—good, because I cannot afford new skin at the moment.

Speaking of bare, glistening flesh, I found this early draft of a cover for Meat Men lurking around on my hard drive. Rejected for goriness but I still kind of like it.

Banged out the first 2000 words of the new werewolf novel yesterday. Going well.

Werewolves of San Francisco

After reading John Farris' brilliant High Bloods, I feel inspired to write something werewolf-oriented. I've done zombies, weird magicians, murderers, talking decapitated heads, Satanists, Satan himself, farting ghosts, and demons named Ips Fret. Time to let the dogs out. (Dear God, did I actually just write that sentence?)

I have never set anything in San Francisco—time to change that. Plenty of people I'd like to see eaten.

In utterly fascinating personal news, I have bought another shitty fixed-gear bike. It is pink and white. I think it was used in the Special Olympics.

Abandoned!

"Art is never finished, only abandoned." —Da Vinci

Some would hesitate to call my books 'art.' Just finished the 1st draft of the new one. It's gonna be short—probably a novella, under 40k words when editing is done. Still no title.

And about editing...I realize that Knife Lake and The Dead Boys were not professionally edited and contain more mistakes than I'd like. I've learned a lot in the year since their publication and, in the spirit of knowledge/growth/maturation, have decided to hire a pro editor. This will cost more money than the book will ever earn. Ain't life grand?

In the meantime I have some mild celebrating to do. Maybe I'll buy a pizza. Maybe I'll buy another cheap fixed-gear bike and ride brakeless down some hills. Maybe I'll go to a wine bar (Vin Debut looks good) and pretend to be sophisticated. Maybe I'll watch anime for the rest of the day. Maybe I'll fly to Israel again and join the IDF, if they'll take a Gentile horror writer.

40K

40,000 words into the new novel. Remember how I said it was less weird, less crazy, more conventional? Well, I lied.

I still don't have a title. I was thinking of In the Blood, but really, how boring is that? My friend Mary suggested The Copious Exsanguinator, but that was too Victorian. I thought about Bleeders but that sounds both a) dumb, and b) like a frat boy making a girlfriend-on-her-period joke. So the ms. remains temporarily nameless.

Yesterday I re-read the whole thing, and realized that it's very similar to Knife Lake. Same themes, same kind of characters, same kind of story arc. Hope it doesn't come across like I'm repeating myself. If nothing else, people who liked KL will probably like this one too.

On another note, I just got back from Israel. Holy shit, what an awesome country.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Did you miss me? No?

I am writing again. Another novel's coming soon. I fully intend to bang out 3k words per day until the first draft is done. Somewhat different than my other stuff--less graphic, less crazy, a little more conventional. Working title is The Place, but this will change.

I might be going to Israel in a couple of weeks. Maybe I'll finish the last chapter in the Holy Land.

By the way, Knife Lake and The Dead Boys are both free. Download!

So, how are you?

Enough With the Pig and Alien Already

An anonymous reviewer had this to say about Knife Lake on bn.com:

"Who in their right mind would buy this terrible crock of @#$% obviously i was one of the unlucky ones that did a horrible attemp at horror in the vein of edward lee and jack ketchum who are two splatter authors who are actually GOOD at what they do if ur gonna copy someone copy the best i guess at least they coulda made the pig and alien work"

He's entitled to his opinion and atrocious grammar. However, my "attemp at horror" did NOT CONTAIN A PIG OR AN ALIEN! No pigs! No aliens! Why have two reviewers complained about the fucking nonexistent pig and alien?

Conversely, here's a good review:

"I found it hard to put down and wanted to finish this book. It is a little hard to read but once you get past the choppy language (if you can) it really does move along. There are a couple of places where the author confuses characters but again, if you don't get caught up in that you will enjoy the book. Yes, there is quite a bit of language and some instances of rather vivid descriptions of both the male and female anatomy but a good book if the horror/thriller genre is what you like."

Very fair. The language is choppy -- KL was my first book and not professionally edited. Lesson learned. I'm glad this reviewer had some constructive things to say.

Savaged!

The reviewer "Spirit" had this to say about Knife Lake at bn.com:


"I don't usually review books that I haven't completely finished but since I read all but the last 125 pages I'm making an exception. Try as I may, I just couldn't read any more. It started out fast and there were a few glimmers of horror and suspense but then it turned into a.bizzrre, trite and dull mess. Between the filthy language , the alien, the pig and silly writing it was just outside the realm of being readable. I would not recommend this book." 


I can take a bad review. I just don't remember writing about a pig or an alien. 

Cyber Monday: Obtain Fine Horror Novels With No Financial Obligation

Cyber Monday. What better time to announce that both Knife Lake and The Dead Boys are now available free? Get 'em at the links below.

Read, enjoy. If you particularly liked either, I would be honored if you'd write a short review at the iTunes bookstore, bn.com, or smashwords. If you hated them...well, contact me here and berate me personally.  

Barnes and Noble

iTunes Bookstore

Smashwords

Barnes and Noble

iTunes Bookstore

Smashwords

Coming Soon...

Semifinal draft of cover art for—you guessed it—Meat Men. The background is a Vesalius engraving, digitally altered by my mad amateur Corel Painter skillz.

MM will be about 30k words. It deals with sexual identity, body image, and the objectification of men as 'death objects.' The protagonist is a Star Wars nerd who accidentally becomes a bestselling horror novelist. The antagonist is a guy named Mr. Green, who lives in a cave and keeps surgically altered men around for what he believes are very good reasons. This is turning into one of the wilder things I've ever written, so buckle your seatbelts. 

By the way, both Knife Lake and The Dead Boys are still FREE on Smashwords. Just click the covers to the right to get 'em. You know you want to....

I Am Obsessed With This Windmill

It's tucked into the northwest corner of Golden Gate Park. Though I've lived in this stupid city for years, I had no idea what it was called. Google Maps cheerfully provided the name: The North Windmill. 

Last night, I saw flashlight beams playing off of it. First thought: aliens. Then I heard somebody laugh—could have been male or female—and a few more quiet laughs in response. The sound of breaking bottle. The flashlight beams whipped into a frenzy, then disappeared. 

I'm not on drugs. I'm tired, but not to the point of hallucination. WHAT WAS GOING ON AT THE NORTH WINDMILL?

Will investigate. 

My Secret Infidelity: Basement Power Spank Fetish with Mega-MILF

Enjoys hot wax, foot worship, tickle torture

Damn, Smashwords! How much erotica do you publish?

Every day there are at least five new titles, most of them written by women. I guess there are a lot of repressed librarians finding an outlet for their dormant yet smoldering sensuality.

Living in one of the most oversexed cities in the world, I find myself drawn away from erotica. It's just not that exciting to me anymore. In my books, as a few friends have pointed out, there's no sex. One of my woman (womyn--she insists) friends called Knife Lake 'icky and misogynist.' I think she's full of shit, but I'll leave readers to decide that for themselves.

My next book is a response to the thinly-veiled man-hatred that passes for contemporary feminism, at least as practiced by some of the cawing harpies that roost here. The title Meat Men seemed appropriate, although through the magic of Google I found out that it's also the name of a punk band—hope the boys don't mind sharing.

And, to my darling woman fellow-humans: I love all of you. And by all means, keep writing hot-wax-bitch-latex-slave-foot-fetish-genital-torture-ball-squeezing-whipped-cock-tit-squeeze erotica.

I look forward to snickering at your pseudonyms.

July is the Cruelest Month

For the month of July, both The Dead Boys and Knife Lake will be FREE at Smashwords.com! Click on either cover to download. 

Here's the "flap copy" for both:

KNIFE LAKE

John Fairbrother: prophet, madman, magus. After years in limbo, he's returned with a mission:

Collect sacrifices. Human sacrifices.

Artemis Costa has an easy life. With no material wants, she can afford to drift through the days...until a violent encounter with John forces her to join his bloody crusade.

You see, John needs her help.

He can't create the Knife Lake alone...

Graphic, shocking, and surreal, Knife Lake is a full-throttle horror novel in the tradition of Jack Ketchum, Edward Lee, and Richard Laymon. 

THE DEAD BOYS

THE NEWLYWEDS...

Bill and Constance are young, spirited, broke...and just married. In lieu of an expensive honeymoon, they trek to a cabin in the Connecticut woods for a weekend of solitude and celebration. 

THE STRANGER...

At the campsite, a bizarre man calling himself Septimus Smith appears from nowhere, full of strange proclamations and violent threats. Taking no chances, Bill and Constance run for their lives.

THE CONTEST...

But Septimus won’t let them go. It seems the newlyweds have stumbled into the middle of a strange game, played by beings with abilities that seem...unnatural. 

Abilities like raising the dead. 

And, to the young couple’s horror...

...the dead are coming!

The Dead Boys is a surreal, disturbing addition to the zombie genre, filled with unforgettable images, vivid characters, and of course, more guts than you can shake a severed limb at.

News About Another Novel Which Nobody is Going to Read

Love thy neighbor's savory flesh

I'm 5,000 words into my next novel, Meat Men. Should be done by the end of the summer. Deals with themes of gender roles, misandry, and the importance of Star Wars to a grown man's psyche.

And you can still get The Dead Boys for free on Smashwords.com. Just enter coupon code TF99M at checkout. Cheap horror reads: the cure for hellish recession blues. 

Speaking of recessions, if anyone wants to donate, say, ten-thousand dollars to an impecunious writer, please contact one Mr. Jonathan Curwen via this website. Mr. Curwen will write a novel with you as the hero, and promises you won't die at the end. 

SUMMERTIME ZOMBIE MAYHEM X-TRAVAGANZA

My new zombie horror novel, The Dead Boys, will be FREE for the next thirty days. I do hope you'll fit it into your summer reading schedule.

Just click on the cover art above, or go to Smashwords.com and search the book's title. During checkout, enter the coupon code TF99M (not case-sensitive) and get the book FREE. 

It's available in every imaginable ebook format, so you'll easily be able to read it on your device of choice. 

If you read it, I'd be honored if you took the time to write a short review on Smashwords. No need for anything in-depth; just a couple of sentences on why it moved you/disgusted you/bored you to death is fine. I'd be much obliged. 

And as always, I'd love to hear your comments. Just contact me through this blog or at jcurwenhorror@gmail.com. 

Many thanks, and happy reading. 

It's Out!

Now available at Smashwords.com. Click on the cover art to go to the book's homepage. There you can read descriptions, sample chapters, and of course download the book.

A short description:


THE NEWLYWEDS...


Bill and Constance are young, spirited, broke...and just married. In lieu of an expensive honeymoon, they trek to a cabin in the Connecticut woods for a weekend of solitude and celebration. 


THE STRANGER...


At the campsite, a bizarre man calling himself Septimus Smith appears from nowhere, full of strange proclamations and violent threats. Taking no chances, Bill and Constance run for their lives. 


THE CONTEST...


But Septimus won't let them go. It seems the newlyweds have stumbled into the middle of a strange game, played by beings with abilities that seem...unnatural. 


Abilities like raising the dead. 


And, to the young couple's horror...


...the dead are coming. 


The Dead Boys is a surreal, disturbing addition to the zombie genre, filled with unforgettable images, vivid characters, and of course, more guts than you can shake a severed limb at. 

I See You Shiver in Antici—

—pation

Just sent my next horror novel, The Dead Boys, to Smashwords.com. Should be available within a couple of hours.

Curwen, Curwen! Rah rah rah! 

In the Cave

Motivation

Trapped in the editing cave. Plenty of coffee, Frosted Flakes, and crippling neurotic insecurity to keep me company. 

Still deciding on a title. A friend showed me this title-generation trick: write a bunch of of horror-related words (blood, fear, rage, dead, death, demon, vampire, etc.) and pair them at random. So...Blood Death? Demon Rage? Demon Fear? Dead Rage? Rage Blood Fear Death? 

Hmm. I'll make a bigger list of words–hopefully with some actually relevant to the book–and see what happens. 

Or I could just go surfing. But that would mean neglecting my work...and that would make me a dirty birdie. A. Very. Dirty. Birdie.